The Friend Zone


For those who don’t know what it is, here’s a recap of the “Friend Zone”:

According to Nice GuyTM theory, the Friend Zone is where “rejected” guys end up. Yes… a lot of bitter doods hate being in this place, because it means they failed to have sex with a woman; she put him in “The Friend Zone”.

It’s a really infamous concept among pretty much everyone. Nice GuysTM hate it because it’s a sign of “Game” failure. Women (and men who are feminist allies) hate it because it’s clearly a misogynistic concept that denies that women are complicated living human beings with thoughts and feelings that don’t involve a man’s dick (I know, right?!?). I was very much a hater of the Friend Zone for years during my Nice GuyTM years… for… um… for… for the former reason…

Heh…

It’s a fascinating concept, to be honest, and one that I find myself more and more interested in as a personal curiosity. Why do Nice GuysTM hate it so much?

Actually… the answer to that is pretty simple.

I’ve already answered the question, actually…

“It’s clearly a misogynistic concept that denies that women are complicated, living human beings with thoughts and feelings that don’t involve a man’s dick.”

When you realize that, it’s not at all baffling that Nice GuysTM scream about it so much. They really do only see women as blow up dolls. They try to only interact with women they’re attracted to, with the goal of having sex with that woman. And when that doesn’t happen, they inevitably start complaining about the Friend Zone… and in many cases they’ll break off all contact with the particular woman, thus throwing away a potentially cool friendship.

Nice GuysTM don’t view women as human beings, you see. They don’t believe that men and women can actually be friends. To them, any interaction with women is an interaction that will lead to sex. This is the same mentality that bred the White Knight concept, which I’ve blogged about already. Nice GuysTM can’t actually imagine not having sex with women unless they do not find a particular woman attractive, in which case they will generally ignore her (which itself is hypocritical, but I’ve talked about that, already, as well).

Here’s the thing, though. I don’t necessarily think the Friend Zone is all that bad! For one thing, the Friend Zone doesn’t have to be permanent. There’s always a chance she will one day actually want to have sex with you. But even if she doesn’t… so what? I’m quite happy being friends with the women who are my friends. And of course many of them are attractive, but that’s not why I’m friends with them. I’m friends with them because we have things in common, like music, politics, worldviews, etc. These women are awesome people, and their friendships are friendships I value as much as my friendships with men.

I’m not all that worried about being in anybody’s Friend Zone.

No one should be.

You know what, Nice GuysTM? If you won’t listen to me, maybe you’ll listen to Alara Ceri:

See? There’s nothing wrong with the Friend Zone! It’s a good thing!

Okay… really… it’s a concept that desperately needs to be dropped. It’s misogynistic and, frankly, really sad. So lose it, all right? If you’re complaining about how many women have “put you in the Friend Zone”, then maybe it’s time to find a mirror and try to, I don’t know, figure out the common denominator?

(Hint: it’s you.)

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About Nathan Hevenstone

I hate straight, white, cis-gendered, able-bodied men. I also play guitar and sing, and I'm an atheist and anti-theist. What now?
This entry was posted in Activism, Autonomy, Bullying, Feminism, Misogyny, Rape Culture, Sexism and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to The Friend Zone

  1. G says:

    Good post and congratulations for having matured beyond the Nice Guy state. The idea that all interactions with women must lead to sex or otherwise you’re a failure is very toxic. Ironically, having a social Network with lots of female friends can actually improve your chances of meeting a potential girlfriend, but I doubt your typical Nice Guy will ever see this. He will just continue to obssess over the same woman for years and when she starts dating someone else, he’ll use the standard rationalizations: “I’m just too NICE…” “she’s just a slut anyway…” bla bla bla.

  2. I think the concept “Friend Zone” inherently implies ulterior motive to the friendship, but I wonder how it came to be viewed as a gendered or misogynist thing, as if no woman has ever had an unrequited crush? I knew a girl who harbored a crush on a male friend for years, even when said friend came out as gay she dismissed it saying he was “too conventional to actually settle that way long term, he’ll marry a nice girl someday”. To me that was as demeaning and denying him his own identity as any not-so-nice Nice Guy(tm) who only pretends to be a woman’s friend to sleep with her and then claims she “doesn’t know what she wants” when it fails. Bottom line I guess is that friends should be friends because you have things in common and enjoy their company, not just to get in their undies.

  3. I am in a very happy, extremely sexually satisfying, long-term relationship with someone I was friends with for many years. My partner is my best friend in the world, and it’s no mystery that this kind of personal intimacy and mutual respect leads not only to great sex, but to joy, fun, and feeling truly, deeply loved. Sad, really, that Nice Guys™ have zero chance of ever having what we have. And sadder still: they cannot even conceive of it.

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